a new personal focus

“I don’t need you. I am very self-sufficient.” 

This has been my mantra for a long time. It's my defense against the feeling that others might not need or want me around.

Rather than be honest about my need to receive attention and love (because I never wanted to be portrayed as a needy, whiny, and naggy woman), I built a wall that said, “If you don’t want me, fine. I don’t need you anyway. I can be by myself.” 

I recently made an observation in the realm friendships: I don't have a "best friend." A "go-to person."

I am blessed and grateful to have great friends and lots of them.The greatest friends any girl could ask for, actually. But I don't know any one person inside and out, and no one really knows me, inside and out.

I'm usually tagging along with a "fantastic duo," and I play that "third-wheel friend." And I don't really mind this. I think the term "best friend" is a loaded one, full of expectations. But really, that's just me justifying keeping my walls up and keeping everyone out of my castle.

I discovered living behind this glass wall can be unfulfilling. You can see the others out there, yet you somehow remain separated from them. They also see you, but find it difficult to connect with you. 

I also have a fear of being "thought a fool." I always try to use reason and logic in making my decisions and thus avoid highly emotional situations since I know they typically lead to irrational and emotional decisions. I think this has hindered me more than it helped. 

Having said all of this, my new personal focus is to retrain myself and allow myself to be more open with my emotions, feelings and desires. That it's safe to give and receive love, it's okay to ask for what I want, and most importantly, it's healthy to show my feelings without knowing what the response will be.